Perfume descriptions from someone who doesn't know anything about perfume

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I like to smell things that smell good. I know that much. I'm one of those "I know what I like" assholes. But I don't exactly have the most sophisticated taste in fragrances, and despite all my efforts to learn, I'm not great at identifying various notes in a scent. I do, however, have a bunch of perfume samples, and I tend to associate fragrances with certain things, like we all do. Apparently those are reason enough for me to offer my totally amateur and completely unhelpful descriptions of all the mini perfumes I currently possess, without any regard for what perfumiers claim they are supposed to smell like. I doubt you are going to want to buy anything based on the information provided here, but I've added links for informational purposes, if nothing else.

(Disclaimer: If I'm talking shit about your favorite fragrance, please don't take it personally. Individual tastes and all that, plus perfumes react differently to everyone's body chemistry, so I'm sure the stuff I'm complaining about smells delightful on you.)

I've used a sophisticated ranking system, in case you can't tell whether or not I like something. Y=Yes, I like it. N=No, I don't like it. Y/N=I don't mind how it smells, but I would never buy it.

Here we go. First up, miscellaneous fragrances in no particular order:

TokyoMilk Dark Novacaine No. 85: Smells like an (imaginary) candle from Bath & Body Works called something like Christmas Ginger Cookies. Not in a bad way, but you've got to be really, really into that. (Y/N)

Miu Miu: I bought this solely for the bottle, which is absolutely perfect. The fragrance itself is super generic. If Pretty Perfume Barbie came with a perfume-scented bottle of play perfume, this is what it would smell like. (N)

Bulgari Omnia Paraiba: First it's a tart citrus scent, but it becomes gradually more masculine. Like a single orange, floating in cologne, served in a man's hat. (Y)

Marc Jacobs Decadance: This fragrance is what you would get if you kept some sangria in your fridge for several months until the fruit all turned brown and dissolved into goo, and then you mixed it with a bubble bath called "Ocean Breeze." (NNNNNNNNNNNNNN)

Elizabeth and James Nirvana White: Smells like a 22-year-old who wishes she were in a meadow wearing a flower crown instead of in her dorm room studying for her organic chemistry final. Or like what I imagine Alexis from Schitt's Creek (which you should definitely watch) smells like. (Y/N)

Michaels Kors Wonderlust: Flowers. Flowers flowers flowers. All flowers, no edge. Probably my ideal perfume when I was 6. (N)

Chloé: Rose-scented soap. (Y/N)

Paco Rabanne Olympea: The trendiest perfume your mom owned in 1996 (plus a little artificial watermelon?). (N)

Okay, now we're getting into a whole bunch of fragrances by Atelier Cologne, and so far I have not met an Atelier Cologne fragrance I didn't like--even their vanilla scent, despite the fact that I usually despise vanilla scents. Oddly enough, I found it much more difficult to come up with descriptions of perfumes that I really like.

Atelier Cologne Vanille Insensée: Dark vanilla and whiskey and leather.* (Y)

*I know these are actual fragrance notes, but they are not the ones in the description of this perfume. Supposedly it has lime in it? I don't get any of that at all.

Atelier Cologne Rose Anonyme: This is what a badass princess in a feminist retelling of a fairytale would smell like. (Y)

Atelier Cologne Manderine Glaciale: Five Alive (what up, Canadians?) garnished with mint. (Y)

Atelier Cologne Orange Sanguine: Mandarin oranges, which we called "Christmas oranges" when I was growing. Just straight up, unadulterated Christmas orange. (Y/N)

Atelier Cologne Pomelo Paradis: As one of my all-time favorite fragrances, this is also the hardest to describe. Very tart citrus with some burnt sugar in the background. But a little serious and sophisticated. Business fruit. (YYYYYYYYYY)

The second group of samples I have is from Juliette Has A Gun, who also make perfumes (and not-perfumes) that I really enjoy.

Juliette Has A Gun Mad Madame: An overwrought artisanal cocktail that is nonetheless delicious. (Y)

Juliette Has A Gun Miss Charming: Also a cocktail, but a less complex cocktail that's garnished with a flower. (Y/N)

Juliette Has A Gun Lady Vengeance: The name is perfect. Like a beautiful, femme assassin. You'll get a whiff of this 3 seconds before you're dead. (Y)

FYI, if you want a more accurate and useful description of Lady Vengeance (and a lot of other fragrances), you should read Bad Outfit, Great Lipstick.

You Smell: Celebrity Perfume

Okay, this is kind of embarrassing. A little. Maybe? But anyway, this is my "signature scent" or whatever. The perfume I wear most of the time when I wear perfume. It's Live Luxe by Jennifer Lopez.

I mean, if I were going to be all fancy and spendthrift, I would wear this, instead. But this JLo shit actually smells really, really good. Give it a shot. It's surprising. The last time I bought it was when I randomly decided to ask the guy at the counter in JC Penney if they had any, and for some reason it was on sale for $8. It was like fate, so I bought two bottles. Usually it's $20-40.

And for what it's worth, dudes always comment on how good I smell when I wear it. I mean, not creepy stranger dudes, but the ones I want to sleep with and/or have slept with.

What's your favorite affordable scent?

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Clean Up: Softsoap Body Wash, Juicy Pomegranate and Mango Infusions

This stuff smells awesome. It’s juicy and fresh and fruity without smelling like candy and making me want to eat it. It’s better than any fancy Philosophy/Body Shop/Bath and Body Works etc. crap I’ve tried. And it’s under $6 for a huge bottle. Plus it has those tiny bead things in it. Those must do something, right? Okay, probably not.

I currently have at least four nearly full bottles of body wash that are not this, and I am determined to finish them all before I buy any more, which makes me very sad. They are all inferior! But I challenge you to take a whiff of this stuff when you see it on a store shelf and not be compelled to take it home.

Disclosure: This post contains an affiliate link.