Guest Post from Savannah Scorpion: Unpopular Opinions about Animal Testing

Hello!

 

It's time for anther guest post from yours truly Savannah Scorpion, America's Favorite Retail Drone (TM). This time, I'm writing about animal testing, and why I'm somewhat critical of brands that brag about being "cruelty free". This is a very sensitive issue, I will be discussing animal cruelty, which can be triggering for readers. If you get upset or overwhelmed by this post, please stop reading and take care of yourself, and look at cute pictures of animals, such as my cat.

 

[Ed. Note: Oh my god, so fucking cute.]

Guest post from Savannah Scorpion: "Pigmented" is a Bullshit Marketing Term

Hello!

I am Savannah Scorpion, beauty junkie and retail drone. I guest post periodically to give y'all an insider perspective on expensive beauty bullshit. It's been a few months since I've posted, chiefly because I have been doing some job-hunting. One of the fun things about working in retail is that I've gone thorough a more rigorous hiring process than most politicians--for significantly less money.

I'm here to talk about a word that I see bandied about a lot in the beauty industry:

Pigmented.

One of the biggest trends that I have noticed is how beauty companies talk about pigmentation. More expensive brands love to talk about how intensely/richly/sensuously pigmented their products are--as if mass brands have low quality pigments.

Let's break through the bullshit.

I went to an amazing money pit called art school. Pigment is discussed in every visual arts class. Pigments are the material used to make colors. However, your pigments are pretty useless if you don't have fillers, binders, oils, waxes and other detritus, so that you can apply the pigment to whatever surface you are working on.

Art students do not use the most pigmented paints and pencils right off the bat, because using such products is a waste of money when you are learning basic techniques. The more pigmented products are more difficult to work with, and are meant to be used by artists who have developed their own style.

The came concept can be applied to cosmetics--with a major exception:

Expensive products do not always have the best pigments. NYX Cosmetics and Wet N Wild carry some very pigmented products [Ed. Note: Also, remember this?]. Some Urban Decay eyeliners are patchy as fuck, and in my opinion, Zero, their basic black pencil, is some mediocre smeary bullshit.

Pros will use any product that works--and I've seen many a makeup kit filled with products from Maybelline, Wet N Wild, and Revlon. Now, artists will also use brands with a reputation for their intense pigments, such as MAC, NARS, and MUFE. Keep in mind:

They are pros. Makeup artists have years of experience and if they are working on a film, TV show, or theatrical production, they aren't paying for their products out of pocket.

And:

Super-pigmented products are finicky as hell to work with. I recently purchased a mini kit of Obsessive Compulsive Cosmetics Lip Tars (Anime/NSFW/Black Dahlia/Ophelia), and while I definitely enjoy them, there's a definite learning curve to applying the lip colors, and if you don't put a primer underneath, they can smear all over the place. I also purchased a NARS blush (Exhibit A, from the Guy Bourdin collection), which is a very bright deep coral-red, that can go from "70's disco goddess" to "clown" if you over-apply even the tiniest bit. I spent plenty of time as a youngster working with sheer blushes from mass brands before I worked with more intensely pigmented blushes.

If you are new to makeup, I would not recommend spending a lot of money buying expensive "pigmented" products. Practice with more accessible drugstore products.

If you feel ready to start experimenting with products that have higher pigmentation ratios, invest in quality brushes, and use a very light hand.

Guest Post from Savannah Scorpion: Makeup Gift Guide

Ed.: Our wonderful Savannah Scorpion has done what I had no time to do: give you a gift guide! And guess what, unlike 99% of gift guides on blogs, this isn't an affiliate-linked shopping list!

Felicitations and Happy Holidays, everyone!

 

(Every time you say "Happy Holidays" instead of "Merry Christmas", Bill O'Reilly gets explosive diarrhea.)

 

It's time for another guest post with me, Savannah Scorpion, your humble guide to the world of cosmetics sales and retail bullshit.

 

I am working on several product comparison posts, but I'm searching for a good camera to borrow, and some willing victims, er - models to be photographed.

 

In the meantime, it's officially Shopping Season! Here's what you need to know when it comes to giving makeup as a gift, or otherwise just plain saving money during this holiday season.

 

First of all, I'm writing this post Black Friday/Cyber Monday/Why The Fuck Are You Shopping When You Should Be With Your Family Or Even Volunteering In Your Community Thursday.

 

All of the great discounts have disappeared, right?

 

WRONG.

 

Think of Black Friday as the "kickoff" to shopping deals to come. Retailers still have a lot of holiday stuff that they need to move out of their stores as quickly as possible. There are still plenty of sales to be had.

 

If you are shopping for clothes, check the clearance racks frequently. At this time of year, there's higher turnover--especially at fast fashion retailers. Which means that while there's new stock coming in every day, thinks are moved to clearance at a faster pace than usual.

  

This is also the time of year that many charities are collecting items for food and winter clothing drives. Check to see if a store is partnering with a charity--you might get a discount if you donate items like nonperishable foods or gently used clothes.

 

Now, when it comes to cosmetics, buying presents can be tricky. What we dab, brush, slather, and smear on our faces is a very personal choice. When buying cosmetics, consider the following:

 

Is your recipient a:

 

-casual makeup enthusiast, or a newbie who is just starting to fuel their passion for makeup?

 

-moderately passionate makeup junkie?

 

-Completely obsessed with makeup?

 

-A professional makeup artist/student training to be a makeup artist or cosmetologist?

Guest post from Savannah Scorpion: Why I'm Perfectly Okay With Nail Polish (And Other Cosmetic) Dupes

Oh snap! Two guest posts in a week?

I'm sure y'all have heard about the recent XoVain post about nail polish dupes. I'm sure y'all rolled your eyes at it, too. I will confess to being a daily peruser of XoVain, but mostly due to Alle's, Faz's, and Kelly's posts. I think it's verrrry interesting that Vain's best writers are the ones who are not based out of the New York offices, and do not contribute to Vain as their primary occupation.

Unlike Rio, I am not a tri-continental expat who lives in Paris and wrote a master's thesis about nail polish. I am a deeply indebted art school grad currently living in the Midwest with my cat. I am not any sort of cosmetics expert, but I do have a greater understanding abut how cosmetics are made and marketed than most of the XoVain staff, and when I write, I use coherent subject/verb agreement and syntax (unlike Annie).  

 [oh snap]

Here are a few things that Rio failed to mention in her post:

1. Mass and luxury cosmetics brands are frequently owned by the same company.

I am the proud owner of a YSL Beauty Touche Éclat pen. I am also the proud owner of a Maybelline Dream Lumi Touche pen. I use both of these products regularly. I have a unique use for both of these products: I keep Touche Éclat at home, and the Dream Lumi pen in my "going to see my boyfriend" bag. I'd rather have his cat play with the 6-dollar brightening concealer, instead of the 40 dollar brightening concealer*.

The best part about my buying two similar products at wildly different price points is that some oligarch at The L'Oreal Group (parent company to both Maybelline and YSL Beauty) makes even more money.

Guest post from Savannah Scorpion: Why Do Cosmetics Companies Make The Same Damn Thing? (And what you should buy instead)

[Ed. note: Savannah sent me this post on Nov. 6, and I'm only getting to it now! Oops. I was looking back through my emails thinking, "Wasn't it just a few days ago?" I have completely lost track of time this month. But better late than never, because this is a good one.]

Hello!

If you are new to the blog, I am Savannah Scorpion, a former Seller of Expensive Cosmetics Shit At A Retailer You All Know And Love. I periodically do guest posts about how your cosmetics sausage is made.

Here's a picture of me hugging a pizza:

Have any of y'all ever walked around a cosmetics aisle, and marveled at how every company seems to be making the same damn things?

You're not seeing double.

Remember, most of he cosmetics brands are owned by a few select companies. So when a prestige brand (expensive, sold at a specialty retailer, salon, or department store)  introduces a fancy new product, a mass brand (not expensive, sold at drugstores, mass-market retailers) owned by the same company will frequently release something similar--just at a different price point.

Also, cosmetics companies have a tendency to behave like a hivemind. So, when one company releases a New, Innovative, Thing evey other brand is scrambling to replicate it and repackage it, because they don't want to lose customers to the New, Innovative, Thing sold by The Other Cosmetics Brand.

What I'm going to do is go over some of the more popular trends  in cosmetics and skincare, and help you save money by pointing out the best products ("best" rarely translates to "most expensive").

1. Blotting Papers

What They Do:

They blot your shit for when your face gets shiny.   Blotting papers let you remove oily gunk from your face, which is a hell of a lot better than putting more face powder on top. And while they won't smear your makeup, blotting papers can help when you have those days when you leave your house, look in your car mirror, and say "Oh shit I totally overdid it today".

Virtually every brand has their own blotting papers--most of which are made with rice paper, and you can easily spend anywhere from 3-15 bucks. If you buy more expensive papers, you simply paying for more elaborate packaging.

The best, in my opinion, are the Sephora brand blotting papers. They aren't the cheapest or most expensive (they retail for 8 bucks), but they have 100 sheets, and amazing at blotting oily crap. I've found that cheaper brands have less papers, or smaller sheets. The great thing about the Sephora ones is that even if you use these frequently, they last 1-2 months. It really doesn't matter if you get the Vitamin C, Green Tea, Salicylic Acid, or Lavender papers, because there's really no way to get any major skincare benefits (besides oil absorption) from blotting papers.

[Ed.: e.l.f. also has some decent ones for $1, but they are definitely not going to last as long as those.]

2. BB/CC/DD/Blah Blah Blah Creams

Alphabet creams are probably here to stay. Yippee skippee. If you believe everything you read, you will be convinced that these creams are magical, can turn back the ravages of time on your face, rescue kittens from burning buildings, etc, etc, etc, etc.

None of this is true.

Here is the short list of what these creams do:

1. They provide light to medium coverage

2. They provide basic sun protection via broad-spectrum mineral sunscreen

3. Depending on the formula, they may provide basic skincare benefits

Here's the short list of what these creams DON'T do:

1. They will not eat you out.

2. They will not do your taxes

Guest Post from Savannah Scorpion: Faux-Liberation Bullshit, or how cosmetics companies use Faux Empowerment to convince you to buy more shit

Guys
Guys
GUYSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

It's fall! Which means salted caramel mochas at Starbucks! And crunchy leaves! And gallivanting around in stolen hoodies!

And it also means it's October, a.k.a. Breast Cancer Awareness Month, a.k.a. BUY ALL THE PINK SHIT MONTH.

When I had my new employee orientation at The Cosmetics Company That Shall Not Be Named, my boss told us that the slogan for our company was: "Be A Force of Beauty". She then asked us what we thought being a "force of beauty" meant.

The answers were pretty standard: Empowering women by making them feel better about themselves. Using beauty for good. Making women feel great about themselves. Etc. When I mentioned chemotherapy patients wearing lipstick to their treatments, the room got really quiet. My manager then went on and explained that if we were all "forces of beauty" for our store, our sales would increase, and we'd get more hours. She went on to talk about "plus-one selling" and different tactics in order to convince people to increase sales. 

Being a "force of beauty" roughly translated to "convincing women to buy more beauty shit". Which are not the same things.

Dispatches from Savannah Scorpion (haircare dupes and a personal essay)

Savannah Scorpion recently contacted me with two interesting pieces of information to pass along. Except not that recently actually, because I am shamefully behind when it comes to all things blog - so that's why I'm putting her messages together in once post to get them both out there with no further delay. Anyway, I'll let her words speak for her, and I hope you enjoy!

DUPE ALERRRRRRRRRRRRRRRT

L'Oreal's Advanced Haircare Color Vibrancy shampoo and conditioner are TOTAL FREAKIN' DUPES for Kerastase shampoos and conditioners for color treated hair.

This shouldn't be too much of a surprise, since L'Oreal owns Kerastase, but holy shit.

In fact, the L'Oreal conditioner is better, since Kerastase conditioners are really light. Kerastase deliberately makes their conditioners light, so they can charge 60 bucks for their "deep conditioning masques".

shaaaaaaaaaaaaameless pluuuuuuuuuuuuug

I'd like to shamelessly promote something I wrote for a really badass social justice publication called The Bandit Zine. The Bandit Zine just released their 10th issue, about Radical Self-Love, and features a lot of great submissions about self-love and self care practices.

The most recent issue can be found on their website, here: http://thebanditzine.com/?p=200.

I wrote a piece called "My Red Badge of Courage, Or, Why You Can Pry My 21* Tubes of Lipstick From My Cold, Dead Hands". It does get pretty deep and personal and can be triggering for some readers.

The people who run The Bandit Zine are pretty badass, and they are looking for submissions for their next issue, which will be about feminism. You can submit your writings and art to thebanditzine@gmail.com

* It was 21 lipsticks when I wrote it, but now my lipstick number is closer to 39. Sorrynotsorry.

Guest Post from Savannah Scorpion: Greenwashing and "Eco Friendly" products

While I'm away for the week, Savannah Scorpion is back to entertain and inform you with more of the insider scoop on how to buy beauty products without throwing your fucking money away. As always, comment below or email with any questions or future topics you'd like her to address! 

This is Savannah Scorpion, returning with a short post about all of the hype surrounding "green", "organic", and "eco-friendly" cosmetics and skincare.

Now, I'll be straight-up and admit that my preferred cleanser is one of those fancypants products that is made with volcanic ash and has an expiration date on it. I use it because I have Weird Skin (TM) that gets oily throughout the day, but gets dried out by pretty much everything except this cleanser. I also may or may not have ordered a dickton of products from the LUSH website after I got my last paycheck.

Panic about parabens, pthalates, and the planet mean that there's a huge trend in so called "green" products. Even mass brands like Neutrogena are creating "eco" lines. Now, here's the straight talk on these products:

Why the Fuck is this Shit so Goddamn Expensive Anyway?

I am still in the midst of unpacking from my move and working on my top secret work project, so Savannah Scorpion is back to entertain and inform you with more of the insider scoop on how to buy beauty products without throwing your fucking money away. As always, comment below or email with any questions or future topics you'd like her to address! 

Salutations!

This is Savannah Scorpion, returning to provide an insider's perspective about why expensive cosmetics are so expensive. This has been something discussed on the blog before, but this post is going to go much more in-depth. You'll also see some pictures of me holding tubes of lipstick in my teeth. 

So, without further ado, here is the Master List of Reasons Why Expensive Beauty Shit is So Fucking Expensive:

1. Volume.

Think about all of the places you can buy L'Oreal, Revlon, Maybelline, and CoverGirl cosmetics.  You can get these mass brands at virtually every;

• grocery store (Family Fare, Kroger, Publix, Hy-Vee, Stop & Shop, etc)
• drugstore (Walgreen's, CVS, Eckerd, Duane Reade, etc)
• large "big box" retailer (Walmart, Target, Meijer, Fred Meyer)
• Ulta Beauty store, in the mass cosmetics section
• along with online at websites like drugstore.com. 

These cosmetics are everywhere. And because there are everywhere, and are accessible to lots of people, cosmetics companies don't have to charge as much for them to make a profit.

Prestige cosmetics brands are not nearly as accessible.Many brands are bound by exclusivity contracts. Depending on the contract, you can only find those products at specific department stores, company stores, or beauty retailers like Sephora or Ulta. If you can only find a product at a Sephora, Macy's, Needless-Markup, or Belk, you will pay more.

2. Shelf space/packaging.

This goes along with number 1 quite nicely. If you go to a drugstore, you will see that mass cosmetics are displayed in a way that fits as much product on as small of a space as possible. The products are packaged in a way that they take up as little space as possible. This allows the company to save money when they are attempting to keep costs low by selling as much shit as possible.

On the other hand, if you visit a Sephora, or the prestige section of Ulta, or the cosmetics counters at a department store, you will see that not a whole lot of products are on display. You'll see that displays are more elaborate. And you'll see that the products are packaged in more elaborate packaging, and get wrapped in tissue paper. Shelf space that isn't devoted to product costs money, just as how any article or photograph in a newspaper or magazine that isn't an advertisement costs the publication money. If you have less products to sell, you will have to charge more in order to make a profit.

As for packaging  the best way I can demonstrate this is with my extensive lipstick collection. 

This is a Wet N Wild lipstick that I got at a Rite Aid. It was shrink-wrapped, and comes in a lightweight plastic tube. 

Now, this is a Bare Minerals Marvelous Moxie lipstick. The tube is made out of metal (it's quite hefty), and there's a special toggle at the bottom that keeps the lipstick locked in. This is a pretty handy feature, and the company spent lots of money on R&D, paying designers to design a better lipstick tube and spent more money to make this more elaborate packaging.  As a recovering art school graduate, I have nothing against designers and artists making money designing stuff. Just keep in mind that somebody has to pay for this, and that somebody is usually you, the consumer. 

Guest Post from Savannah Scorpion: Do I Need This? Customer Loyalty Programs

The enigmatic and magnanimous Savannah Scorpion is back with more of the insider scoop on how to buy beauty products without throwing your fucking money away. As always, comment below or email with any questions or future topics you'd like her to address! 

Hello again!

This is Savannah Scorpion, your friendly neighborhood seller of Expensive Cosmetic Shit, back with another post. 

I was invited to send a picture, and I chose a film still from Butterfield 8. While I do not look like Elizabeth Taylor, I have been tempted to write rather nasty things in lipstick on men's mirrors/car windshields. The only thing that has stopped me is that most of the lippies in my collection are pricey, and I'll be damned if I waste one of my $25 Nars Velvet Matte Lip Pencils on damaging the property of some hipster douchebag. I think I'm going to buy one of the $1 e.l.f lipsticks and designate that as my official "Writing On Glass Surfaces" lipstick. [I should add that to my review as a possible use. - Ed.]

Anyway....

I'm sure y'all have been offered to sign up for different loyalty programs at different restaurants and grocery stores. Cosmetics retailers have loyalty programs, and I'll give you the rundown on how they work. Do you need them? Yes. Even if you don't buy cosmetics all that much. 

Interview with an Insider: Savannah Scorpion reveals what it's like to sell expensive beauty shit (with tips for how to get what you want)

The beautiful and mysterious Savannah Scorpion (not her real name . . . or is it?) recently contacted me with an offer to provide a beauty industry insider's perspective from the retail side. YES PLEASE. First off, I thought we'd do a little Q and A to introduce our guest and to start you off with some of the advice she considers particularly important. If you've ever considered working in cosmetics retail, this is some useful shit - and of course, very valuable for those of us who are consumers, too. I hope that in future, she'll provide us with some topical guest posts, so if you have anything you'd especially like to hear about, please do leave a comment.

Savannah Scorpion (I don't actually know what she looks like, but I imagine it's something like this).

(Or this.)

Cheap as Fuck: Thanks for offering to share an insider perspective with us. First a few questions about you. Anything you want to start out with to introduce yourself?

SS: My name is Savannah Scorpion (okay, not my real name, but it should be), and I am a recent art school graduate, makeup fiend, and former tour guide who now works selling expensive products to the rich and gullible. I am one of those people who wears a full face of makeup everywhere, all the time (even during sex). I also do a lot of writing, social justice work, and to quote Dale from KOTH, I am an expert hater.

CaF: You sound fucking awesome. Makeup during sex, yes. I mean, who has time to remove it in advance, anyway? By the way, this is my favorite sex mascara, because it doesn't smear at all when things get appropriately sweaty. Unless smeary is the post-sex look you're going for, which is totally legit - and kind of hot, honestly.